Elizabeth was fired.

On NBC’s The Apprentice Season 2, the female candidate whom I like the most just got

ejected from the show. Pretty brutal as she had many fine qualities. She’s incredibly charming, creative minded, and would be a great teammate to work with. Also I think she’s the most attractive on the show.

But in the end her other faults lead to her downfall. I agree with Donald’s decision to fire her. Tho it was rather tragic to witness. Why? Well another reason I like Elizabeth is because I can see a lot of her ideals in myself. But because of that we also share similar character flaws. When one takes on the “nice person” role and tries to appeal to others as a peacemaker, it makes it very hard to work with unyielding mean people.

I can picture myself in her role, and thinking many of the same things she was thinking. Setting a high standard for yourself, and working for what you believe in. In some situations at work I’ve recall the mistakes I’ve made where I wasn’t decisive for the specific reason that I did not have faith in what I was providing.

There's a big divide in philosophies in this world, and I know which side I stand. Hostility versus Kindness. Stubbornness versus Indecisiveness. Command versus Consensus. Fear and Love. Assholes and Pussies. From television, to politics. These same dichotomies pop up. It’s no wonder that this human race can be so easily divided in views.

This outcome was a tough lesson that sometimes the kind people lose out.

Last Night...

Some days I really wish I had a camera with me. The moon is round and hands on a backdrop of gray blue clouds. Not punchy day time blue, nor night time pitch dark blue, but the color you get right after a sunset. A bright tone of grey that a heavily overcast sky could never yield. What's surprising is how brightly illuminated the moon is for a sky of clouds. The clouds were so fluid that one can not tell where exactly the clouds end and the sky begins. The Bay Bridge stands in from extending from Treasure Island. And the water mirrors the same shade of blue at sundown.

This Night...

Strange that I did not hear news of this celestial phenomenon until moments before it occurred. I was wrapping things up at work when a coworker told me that there was a full lunar eclipse tonight. She showed me a short schedule detailing the path that the earth’s shadow would take. What I found interesting was what the word “penumbra” meant. I have heard this word before though never realized it had a real world meaning.

After work I walked over to the pier where the moon hung with a very mild reddish brown shade. Fascinating. Then I boarded the ferry and by the time I got off, the event was already nearing it’s passing. But an incredible sight I have never seen before in my life. How intense the crescent of sunlight was against the dim silhouette of the rest of the moon. It was like witnessing a vivid unmasking, undressing, and cleansing of a cosmic body.

grrrr... hopefully i won't be groggy in the morning. this is starting to piss me off. there are so many things i want to get done before the month is over... and i find myself committing to more and more things that come along. sometimes i feel like i should just devote time to what's truly important to me and be just simply say no to lesser things.

some things are important enough that you don't say no to them if you can help it, since they mean a lot to people. like the several birthdays of friends and family celebrated these past weekends. but after a while you really want to start saying no to the simple social events and claim your private time to yourself. sigh...

it's almost three in the morning. why did i even lose sleep thinking about it. there's just not enough time in one day. i want to do so much more over the weekend that there's just no room to cover it all. and now my tight scheduling is pinching into my work schedule, and i can totally see it affecting my organization. sheeze my apartment is messier than i'd like.

ah whatever. good night all.

Highlights of my trip:

Ice skaters and gorgeous flowers at Rockefeller Center.

The Broadway show Rent.

American Museum of Natural History

Heard a story from a department meeting this morning. It's been a while since I've heard something told in such a classic style. And it was so amusing that I looked for it online. The text is below, but I got it here http://www.sanfords.net/Newsletter/Vol18.htm

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from the name plate that her name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog calling himself Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"

Here is a simple lesson learned. Having many reasons can be fine. But if you ever present your reason, state only the most important ones.

Now such is my way of thinking that I seem to have an ocean of thoughts in my head. And I often think about a matter, have an idea about it, then drift on to other thoughts and perhaps come to that matter again with more thoughts. But the thing is that I don't often assign a value to my thoughts unless I think it through. At times it's just better for me when giving my opinion or expressing my view to just release my stream of thought like a floodgate. This turns out to be a very bad approach on at least two occasions I remember when conversing with my girlfriend.

The first was when we were stating reasons why we were taking different stances. Let's call them the view A and view B. Well view A was definitely the preferable stance on paper, as in if you looked at A purely without context, an objective third party would say choose A. I in fact very much wanted A, but I had worries as well. So a countless number of thoughts began to spring up. Some for. Some against. Some that have occurred to me long in the past. Some rather new. Some too insignificant to bother developing further into a well formed thought. And one big thought. What some might call the "real reason".

((Hello there. This is Jimmy's mind speaking. I'd like to offer you insight into how I operate. Now feel free to criticize me, as I am in a constant state of desiring to better myself. So if you feel my actions are stupid. Please say so. If you feel that they are valid or understandable, I'd like the affirmation as well. Pointing out whether contains or lacks moral value, practical value, human value, or any other value in a system would be helpful. If ever my rationale seems rather odd, it might help to remember that one of my defining characteristic is that I am an artist at heart.))

Okay. Back to the subject at hand. For me when I'm presented with a problem I look for as many solutions to the problem as I can. Maybe it stems from back in the days of high school AP Calculus class when I would trying to impress my math teacher by coming up with multiple ways of solving the problem. It was fun. I was showing off. It boosted my ego. So when giving reasons for to stance, I similarly try to churn out as many as I can. But there's a flaw in that. With math problems there's a right answer you get to. The solution is just the path to that answer and you know it when you get there. When you are looking for reasons however, things are not definitive. And what I've noticed is that sometimes I give "stupid reasons". Either to be funny, or sometimes to try to make an obscure point.

Here's the take-away. Girlfriends don't like stupid reasons. Don't waste their time.

I was in one phases between sleep and waking. My radio turned on with the daily alarm set. NPR is what I listen to in the mornings now. Prefering that now over Star 101 form my younger years and Alice which I tried for a while. I just became really sick of the loud morning disc jockeys. I don't really need irritations when I wake up in the morning. Even though at times they are funny. It's more refreshing to wake up to something mellow and wholesome. Dunno. Maybe I'm just getting older.

Well it just so happened that on NPR this morning, KQED was having one of its funraising sessions. And me, I finally decide to make a call and give my pledge of support to public broadcasting. Y'know how I had always wanted to before ever since I was watching Sesame Street and thoughout my years of growing up. Reading Rainbow, Square One, 3-2-1 Contact, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Are You Being Served, Great Performances, Intense TV, the countless wonderful documentaries and special programs along the way. It was really cool when I learned what the QED stood for in KQED. Now I find myself really enjoying radio broadcasts like Morning Edition and Fresh Air.

Anyways. So I grabbed something to write down the telephone number I should call. Then grabbed the phone and tried dialing. For some reason I could not get my fingers to punch the right numbers. And suddenly I realized that I was still half asleep. Aware of the sound of my radio, but still dreaming up a scenario when I'm making a phone call.

Then I woke up, and found that it was just about the right time to get out of bed. And I really did make the phone call for my pledge as my first item of the day. That felt good. Now that I'm older I can give back to causes I believe in. No more of that bottled up yearning I had in the previous years, when it just wasn't in my budget to donate much.

On other topics. Kerry was on Letterman tonight. Pretty interesting. Even though Letterman can continually launch jokes at people, he knows that it's just part of show biz, and he's able to set aside his mocking and parodies and sit down to serious intelligent conversations and be sincerely respectful in those instances. That makes a great show host.

 Things I want to do during the weekends when I'm older :

1. Play tennis.

2. Learn to swim.

3. Dance.

4. Read more. Novels. Magazine. News.

5. Shopping! (no, seriously)

6. Develop my Art. Illustration. Painting. Design.

...and of course sleep.

What?, Whut would it be like to wnte while you ae dmnk?I dunno. Can I say some tning smarrt?

Bloog! That's not funmy. It's intere stwg. I don't think I'm at the level of dvunken,ess whor I'm not gt all incontvof of myself. But I am no'tice9ble tipsy. My senses don't seem as sLarp. What I heer  sounds like if's mutfled. What I see ...coudl almost bec from a dream. And I chew on my Twix, to fill my stomuch witn more cont,nt. So that Lopefully tle ahlcohol can be countered. better. I find that eventhe. my sense of tasfe might even be compromise, and my sense of tovch, and definitely m7 dexterity definifely is so. As I prt pen to papev while my pen wobbles a bit. in my hand. And I coordinate insertng the rod of rchocolate coolcie Twi'x into my mouth without having it fa ll out of the wrappe'r. Now even my finger tips huve slipped down to the edye of my pen tip as I write since I'mcan not mnaging afrrm grip on my pen. And my panmanship isc turning up crap.

Is twis me when I'm drunk? I nevev realizd ny toleranec but I ahways imugined it would take more than bot tole of Heinekan and a tallglass of Sierra. Maybe this i s just scratchrng the suvface. I definitcly dun'tfeel in control enouvgh to drivemy car buckhome. So, as I'm sittiny en my fewy ride. I thihk 2 might sif a whiLe once I get to my car. But first ... the litfle boys room! Was thet fumny? I 'm nott laughng. Like I care.

(The previous monologue was written on my way home Friday after drinking. For the record I kept my sound judgement. I called up Mousse and Cologne to picked me up from the terminal. Odd enough there were two police cars that drove right up to the parking lot. Not often you see them around there. Some coincidence. Anyway Mousse drove me and my car home. And later we went over to Ukyou's new place to help her put up some finishing touches to her home decor. They mentioned how I was noticeably bubbly. Hah.)

It's really hard at times. Missing someone so much. I'm losing sleep over it and yet at the same time I'm worried that I'm not doing enough.

Found this post on a LDR (long distance relationship) messageboard I randomly came across. (lovingyou.com). When asked, "What kinds of things did you do to make your ldr work?" Fiona replied:

[[

Basically, PLENTY of communcation, total honesty, make a conscious effort to meet each other at least once a month (if that is possible, I know thats not possible for everyone on here.)

Also.... Things me and my fiance did included:

- Make plenty of plans for the future (it's good to always have something to aim towards, and SO good when you both achieve it) e.g a small holiday together, a weekend away, a romantic picnic, moving in together.... Plans big and small.. they ALL matter.

- Make a conscious effort to put aside a certain amount of time for your partner each day... Even if it can only be one hour a day. ALWAYS do this... even if you're tired, busy, in a bad mood lol... just be there at least once every day for your s/o.

- Do other little romantic things - unexpected phone calls, a CD of your favourite songs in the post, a romantic letter, a photograph, or even a card with a cute message in.

]]

There are bigger plans for the future that we are both working for. They are indeed grand and splendid. But it's not everyday that I can take a big bite toward progress. I'm balancing it with baby steps on some days and bigger steps on other days. I can see she's thinking the same way, as it's wonderful how she sprinkles little things in that brighten us my days. Like the call to say hi when I was at work. Likewise I will continue to expresss that I care too. Be it small. Be it grand. When you continue to work at fulfilling your goals, it gives you a great feeling inside when you do something right.