This current project I'm on is really draining me. Everyone on my team has had weeks of over 70 hours already. Earlier on this week everyone stayed up until 3am in the morning. One of staff who was really helpful had his last day. I had a talk with him to see if he would like to stay on the project for any longer, maybe work remotely to help us through rough times. He said he was willing too, but the more I though about it, the more I though that it was better to be kind.

G,

Just wanted to let you know that your last day with  is over. I've communicated over to M that you have well exceeded your share of work and did a sensational job on the engagement. As such it is very important that you enjoy your break and spend valuable time with your family for your time off. M and I both agreed that you will not be needed to work on . It's a promise that the team will hold to.

I couldn't treat you to dinner before you left, so I will show my appreciation by extending out my warmest wishes to your sister on her wedding day.

All the best and brightest!

Looking for a good staple drink is hard.

I don't drink soda much anymore because it's rather sweet. I use to drink more orange juice but it tastes a little acidic nowadays. Non-sweet iced tea is a good choice, but too much seems to dry my mouth. Frappacino coffee is good sometimes, but leaves an aftertaste, and I generally don't feel like drinking more than one.

Now my most recent addition to my drinks of choice is Red Bull. I must say that it works better at keeping me awake than coffee does, and it sure has helped me through the last three hectic weeks. But now I'm finding myself drinking almost one per day, and I worry that I might develop an addiction. The caffiene is one thing. I just don't want to become dependent on it.

So I've been reading up on the product too, via Wikipedia and Google Answers. A consultant told me that too much is Red Bull is bad for your heart, and it's a bad idea to mix it with alcohol. The articles I read suggests not to consume it with a lot of heavy exercise. For now I will try cutting back, and drinking it only on the excessively hectic days.

I have been fortunate enough never to have developed an alcohol, smoking, or coffee addiction. I shall try my best to continue to live healthy.

I saw a wonderful movie last night. I choose to talk about that first because it will help set the stage. The movie itself wasn't as important as other things on my mind last night. But I do love how life plants a story for you to tell. And this is my story.

Little Miss Sunshine.

This is one of the best movies I've seen in a long time why? I love the story telling and the character development in this film. On top of that there were moments (especially at the end) when I was rolling pushed back on my chair laughing until my stomach hurt. I find the films I like best, the anime I like best, and even the books I like best are ones where the characters are very interesting people. People I can empathize and understand in some way, and that grow to be stronger people at the end of the story. To me events in the storyline mean little to me unless they are tied to some point of self-discovery, psychological, or spiritual change in one of the characters.

"We work to become, not to acquire."

Why do I like these movies? This wish is among my strongest goals in life, perhaps my highest goal. To help the people in my life, along with myself grow to become better human beings. This is important to me and to my life because at one of my lowest points of despair... my senior year of college when I was lost in direction, lacked motivation, lacked a reason to succeed... I found myself again through this dream. I found meaning in my life by changing from being a "smart man" who worked for success, to being a "kind man" who worked for helping others.

What are your favorite books? What are your favorite movies? What do you like about them? Who are your favorite characters? Why? I'm looking to define myself again. Who am I? Am I selfish? Am I a problem? Do I not show enough care or attention to those I love?

"You can't become who you want to be, by staying who you are."

I can see I have changed. I am glad of it. I find now that I want more than just that though. I wish people will change too. I'm learning from many around me and shaping myself with that knowledge. Likewise I wish a little of my good qualities will rub off on other people. But there are a select few things that I have to hold to. Those are the things that are "true to you". Among those is a love for humanity. And a love for those you love. The idealist in me is fighting back, because I seem to have lost my way. I've made too many people cry. I have lost some of my strength, my kindness, my faith.

I have one wish for the people of this world, and it is to live a little less for themselves and be understanding of each other. I want them to live as if the story of their lives was one of character development, and not of plot development. That events and material things in this world are nice... but it's experiences that we go through, the path we take, that life is all about. It's really hard. really hard... to let go of this wish.

Name a person you love in life.

Now identify how they have shaped who you are. If they were not in your life, if you had never met this person you are be different all? If another person took that role instead, would you be where you are right now? If the answer is yes... Consider how much you truly love the person. What role do they have in your life story? If they did not add to your character development... would they not just be minor cast.

Clef taught me how to find my true self and to that I am stronger than my fears. If I had never met him I would not have a person who understands me philosophically.

Yukino taught me how to love and that I can be successful, confident, and determined. If I had never met her my life would have been drastically different. I imagine possibly a starving artist, soft-spoken with lots of dreams but little action.

That is my wish for the people of this world. To have people in this world would shape them more. It's really hard... really hard to let go of that wish. But if you don't want to be a person that will change yourself for the sake of anyone else... I will let go of my wish.

My old man's birthday is today. Bunch of family back over in California celebrating. I decided not to go back, but gave him a call. It's his 60th birthday, so it's a big one. But he actually celebrated his grand 60 last year... since he went by the lunar calendar... where the day you are born, you're 1 years old.

Recently I've been exercising much more often. Good habit to get into. I got my first shock that I need to be more fit when my lil' cousin greeted me after not seeing me in months... not with a hi... not with a smile... but with a... "Big brother's got bid beer belly"  Yeah... kids can be brutally honest.

So I've been exercising more. I'm doing it for lots of reason. I'm doing for my fiancee so I can look sharp for the wedding I'm doing it for the summer to look good in swim trunks. I'm doing it for my body, so I can live healthier. I'm doing it because I pay so much for my rent, I may as well use the amenities. I'm doing it because I made a promise to my dad (my actual father) that I'd keep up the exercise. He's real good about keeping fit, as he runs every morning. And even though he's a sucessful and busy businessman, he will always make time for exercise, and for his family. Good role model.

I must say that I'm very lucky to have two father figures. Both of them have taught me different lessons in life.

I  wake up in the middle of the night. Trying to shake off an odd
dream. Bunch of co-workers were around writing poetry. At the the end
we hand them over to one of my co-workers and she was crying as she
read them aloud.

9:30 my cell phone says. I slept through most of the day after a long
night where I talked with Yukino up until the sun came up. I woke up
earlier in the afternoon and took a long bath, had another lengthy
talk, and went back to sleep.

That's when I woke up again and realized it was pretty late for dinner.
I swung by Baja Fresh to pick up a Chipotle Chicken Salad and Tortilla
Soup. Heard a remix on the radio. "99 Lufballoons" (red baloons) by Nena with "99
Problems" by Jay-Z. Really catchy.

Where's my beer? I'm just finishing dinner and thinking. It's amazing how quickly your direction in life can change so quickly.

What will I do? Be strong. Be supportive. Be true to myself. Be honest.
Be understanding. Life is funny. Life is serious. Life will make you
question yourself, your needs, your wants. Over and over again. Wake
up. The future awaits. Here's to all those changes in the future.
Cheers!

More great news came recently.
I got promoted to Senior, woohoo!

I woke up in the middle of the night just now, and chatted on the phone
with my fiancee. I had a pool of thoughts swirling through my mind
before I tried to go back to bed. My angst came back. I guess with all
my recent success I have been thinking about some of the other things I
want to achieve in life. Among them was having a family and passing on
my legacy to them. (Makes me sound all royal and arrogant, huh?) And
then I began thinking about how amazing life is. Of simply how
awestruck I was that there must be... there must be more to human life
than the physical body.

I was telling myself "must be" not because of my faith in a greater
deity, but "must be" because otherwise... life is very tragic once
death arises. I mean, for something so beautiful to be created and
disappear. It's a shame. I know living fir now, remembering the past,
and planning for the future is the most important way to live. The
artist's spirit in me just demands more meaning to the life story I
weave.

What does it feel like to have your heart broken...
right after you hear that you've broken the heart of one you love?

Here are my thoughts on three types of personalities:

Person A: Tends to blame themselves for things that go wrong in situations they
are involved in. The pros of A is that they are take on responsibity, and often
fixes the problems themselves and resolves the problem. In situations with more
A people, problems get fixed faster. The cons of A is that sometimes they
accept blame out of lack of self-confidence, or they lack of confidence that
someone more culpable is able to resolve the problem. For example if a baby
spills a bottle of milk, the baby is innocent because they don't know any
better, and the dad or mom will blame themselves. But that can also extend to a
boss who blames themselves because they don't believe their worker was competent
enough.

Person B: Tends to blame others for things gone wrong. B really doesn't have
any fault in the matter at all, but the consequences effect them significantly,
and B looks to assign a cause to the problem. The pros of B is they can often
identify the root of any single problems easily. Their driving factor is often
success and they care a lot about outcomes turning out right. The cons of B is
they can be quite critical picking things that out that others might view as
not that big of a deal. For example if a dog chews up a sofa cushion, their
owner may view the animal as doing it out of intention, and blaming the dog. In
their mind the dog cares more about playing the cushion and doesn't regard the
belongings of the master. This can extend to a boss who blames problems on their
worker for being lazy, uncaring, or some other intentional personal conflict
toward the boss.

Person C: Tends not to blame any one person, but place blame in the
circumstancs, an external factor in nature, or in the environment. C often
would say that it's nobody's fault. The pros in that C is more of a team
player. They see every person as a valuable asset they do not want to lose any
of the legs holding up the table. It's harder to attack a group as a whole and
the team is much stronger. The cons is that in some cases, if the message is
not delivered right, people can brush mistakes off lightly and not take any share
of responsibility for resolving the problem. Sometimes it looks also looks like
the team is trying to cover their ass and avoid the problem. An example is this
is if a team constructs a building and it then falls down from a catastrophic earthquake.
The team can blame it on the earthquake of size and magnitude that no-one could
have predicted. And depending on the strength of the team as a whole, either
they all pull through will that argument together or they don't.

Let's just see how many things I have to juggle this week... There's a strong possibility that I won't be able to get all of them taken care of this week. Already pulled on sleepless night. Can't afford another since much of the work requires alertness.

1. Final Deliverables for current project engagement. (Reams and reams of SAS code)

2. Onboarding for new project engagement. (So much reading. So many things i don't know yet.)

3. Act as first reviewer for someone's performance evaluation.

4. Submit my own performance self-evaluation.

5. Day and a half of training.

6. Submit edits to a book as part of a workgroup at firm.

7. Call Gail at TCO.

8. Paperwork for the new apartment I'll be moving in to.

9. Plan for my next trip. San Francisco? Seattle?

10. Dentist.

I made a new personal best through the morning rush hour today: Woke up at 7:20. Out the door at 7:30. Drove like a maniac from Bethesda to Reston Town Center in 20 min. Aparently if you toss quarters into the toll booth.. and miss... then the nice person at the gate will toss some for you, so that you can go ahead. Of course that only works if you wait at the full service lane.

Clef and I had a really nice talk. Of course it began with me telling him the news. I gave it in the form of a long detailed story. Which surprised me a little that I can tell a story like that. Haven't done so in a while. I've always been better and telling a story in person than over a written medium. Such as this blog or in a novel. Nope. I always end up searching for the right words to say in written form... and it goes much slower too. My best form of expressions seem to be through the more abstract forms. Poetry. Art. Things that capture a lot of meaning in a symbolic and representative form.

I have told many people in the past that I never had a regret. In fact I can even go back to the time right when I was a senior in college when I specifically said that and felt that way. Why was I so certain? To me all the decision you make in life. Whether they be the right one or they be mistakes. They all define who you turned out to be at that very moment. To live without regrets is to be true to yourself. Because if you wanted to change any part of your history, you would be changing who you are.

Decisions that are epic in proportion have enormous effects on you. Recently I've been thinking a lot of things that may have been. Other paths that I may have taken. Other lives that I could have lived. Clef said something that rung very true to me. It's natural that with age comes regret. As we move closer to realize our own mortality. As we go on more years, we realize there are less moments in time for us to do other things. And it may very well be that we do not have time in our lifespan to live in all the ways that we want.

What keeps me going then? I know it's only human to want to change things in the past and make them better. When there comes a time for someone to tell your life story, everyone wants their story to be a good one. What keeps me going is that I know the direction I am heading is one right for me. And at many of those important decision points I can say that I have made the best ones. As for all those uncertainties... all those other possibilities... who knows. Someone else out there in the world probably chose those other paths. And they are probably regretting there decisions too. Such is the way of this world.