Who says dudes don’t have heart-to-hearts? We just talk differently when we’re with our boys than when we’re with our women. Case in point. Past midnight. Parking lot outside office.

Pimpdaddy: “The very moment when I gave up on her, she changed. I was like, ‘Wow she’s a completely different person.’ Complete 180. I mean if you told me before that, that she would become that way, I would have said never in a million years.”

Me: “Okay, so that’s when you realized you love her.”

Pimpdaddy: “Yeah. I saw a side of her that I really liked, something that was missing before.”

Me: “But having a personality you like isn’t something that’s impossible to find. Would you prefer to find someone else new, that you can share that connection with earlier in the relationship?”

Pimpdaddy: “You see that’s the thing. That’s why love is so fucked up. The bad stuff, all that shit just made me love her more. I mean no one else will ever come close to going through the stuff we went through.”

Me: “Yeah most definitely. I mean, I in no way can understand what it was like for the two of you, but I will agree that that experience strengthened your relationship… So alright, let me throw this out there, and see if this jives with what you’re saying. To me there are two key reasons you can have for loving someone. The first one is what initially comes to mind for most people. You love them because you are soul mates. Your personalities match, you two have the same goals in life, same values and moral.”

Pimpdaddy: “Okay.”

Me: “The second reason is that you love them for the life experiences that the two of you have been through. They understand you and can relate to you because they were there for you. Likewise you were there for them. The first way, you love them for who they are. The second way, you love them for what you’ve shared with them.”

Pimpdaddy: “Yes, that’s what it is.”

Me: “So you think that's the reason why you love her? More the second reason that the first.”

Pimpdaddy: “Yeah. The second one. I think it’s stronger than the first. Which one do you think you’d pick?”

Me: "..."

Me: “umm.... I’m not sure I can answer that… You see... answering one way or the other kind of determines a given path. Because in my situation, no one else has been through as much with me as Yukino has. And I am aware that for the new women I want to start relationships with, that there won’t be as much history there. And so I set that aside because it’s not unfair for me to make that comparison. I’m not saying that I know which type of love is the better or stronger. It would be nice to get the right amount of both.”

Me: “You know what I’d like to see? Friggin… They need to show us some empirical study on this shit. I mean sooo many people… just about everyone I know who’s ever had a relationship has faced this kind of decision before. When presented a choice between going back to the one that gives you both love and pain, compared to a fresh start with someone potentially more compatible, which one was chosen and what was the outcome? People should go with what will be happier for them in the end, and I have a feeling that the personality match is the right one to pursue.”

Pimpdaddy: “I think I would be the person that probably goes back. And I’m 90% sure it will turn out to be a disaster.”

Me: “But you do it for the 10% chance that things will go right?”

Pimpdaddy: “Hah! No, I’m 95% sure. 99% sure that it won’t work. But I’d probably still do it anyways.”

Me: “Man. Hmmm. Such is love. Most people will probably make the same decision whether or not they see any statistics. It’s the kind of thing you have to experience for yourself.”

I took this silly quiz about 2.5 years ago and got this result.

My Life. November 07, 2005
Life:	6
Mind:	5.7
Body:	5.7
Spirit:	5.9
Friends/Family:	4.4
Love:	6.9
Finance:	7.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Here's what's different now.

My Life. July 15, 2008
Life:	6.9
Mind:	7.2
Body:	8.2
Spirit:	8.2
Friends/Family:	5.3
Love:	2.9
Finance:	7.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Interesting. [Puts on analyst hat] Although there's no strong science behind these numbers. Directionally things appear to make sense. You're still the same in how you manage finances. And here's the real story it tells...

You traded in love and improved almost everything else. Think it was worth it?

Grandma.

It’s been a while since I got that phone call last month. Pop surprised me because he usually never calls. It was fairly brief. My grandma had passed away. I… I just didn’t know what to do… whether there was anything I could do. He said there really wasn’t anything, since I didn’t have any incense at my home, otherwise I could direct myself to the face toward Australia and bow three times. I told him I could easily get some and I made an immediate trip to Asian grocery store to do so.

These Chinese customs I keep to, out of respect for my heritage. No matter how drenched in American culture I am I don’t think I would ever want to discard these practices. I’m not sure whether I’ll pass them down to my kids though. Will probably let them know about it and have them decide for themselves.

What’s chilling was that back in May when I went to Australia, when they told me that she was really sick, I really didn’t treat it with as much urgency as I would have liked. Maybe it’s just hindsight regret. I just visited her two times during my trip. This was what I recalled from the first.

The Visit.

Grandma was really sick when I saw her at the hospice. I went with my parents and several members of my extended family. Apparently she gets daily visits from at least some family member, which is good. The family told me that it was really bad, that she has completely changed from when I saw her last year. But I was not prepared to see her the way she was. She didn't really speak to anyone. Quiet. No conversation. Just staring. You can't really tell whether she's staring at a person or just off into space... as here eyes didn't really follow anything. Thin too. Limp, fleshy, pale, and really thin. Oh my heart goes out to her.

Bird's Nest Soup.

Traditional Chinese believe there are key medicinal food items that generally benefit your health across a wide variety of sicknesses. The only thing that you have to watch out for is the imbalance of chi. For example if you have a sickness that is related to a hot chi, you pick the medicine that has cold chi. Ginseng is a commonly known healthy food, but others include bird's nest (from bird saliva), shark fin, and abalone.

So my family brought some bird's nest soup to feed my grandma and get her better. And after my mum had spoon-fed her a good portion of the soup, she had gave a bit of cough, and she uttered the only word I would hear from her entire day. "Cha"

Water.

The word "cha" means water in Cantonese. Well it actually means tea, but in our family for boiled water... whether hot or room temperature we call it the same as tea. So this was the request of a dying woman. A simple request. Her mouth needed a cleansing refreshment from the flavor of what she was just consuming. Or she just wanted something simple to help with her cough. My first reaction was to go look around to see if there was any water around. If not go ask one of the nurses.

My mum was quicker to act and turned over to a cup of water that was lying on a tray, but the water was a bit cold. I think mum may have started to give a few drops when there were comments made by my elders in the room.

 “You don’t need to give her that much. That’s not going to be as good for her as the bird’s nest soup will be. If she doesn’t finish the soup now when will she get another chance?”

And through all this reasoning and out of their beliefs that they know what’s good for her… it was crafted…

The Lie.

“Just pour the soup into the cup and spoon feed her from that. Tell her it’s water. She won’t know the difference. You have to fool her like this, and convince her like you convince a kid.”

I was dumbstruck and froze in place. I was about croak in disgust, but the rational side of my restrained myself. It was much more important for me to be respectful and not cause a scene right there. But was I taking the situation too seriously?

I mean I can understand it when you lie out of concern for someone. But when is the line drawn? You have an old lady on her death bed. If her last wish is for a glass of water, do you not honor that? To me you’re not letting the dying person be free that way. You’re binding them to your beliefs and ideals if you don’t honor their last wishes. If she wanted a cigarette, I would go hunt down a pack and light it up for her. It’s not about health. It’s about compassion.

And for the love of God, she was sitting in a bed right in front of you. Sure she may seemed zoned out, but are you being considerate to her by talking about her in the third person and completely disregard even the slightest possibility that she may be a listener to the conversation. Does she matter? Does having her know matter?

Thoughts.

So I decided not to cause a commotion. I was clearly outnumbered at that point in time, and it wasn’t the time or place to bring to surface the differences in values across our family generations. Another thing is that yes she was my grandma, but to many other people in the room she was their mom. So they had much more say into her care-taking than I did.

Maybe I’ll bring this up to my parents at some point in the future. Chances are they won’t remember it, because I didn’t get the impression that they sensed there was anything wrong.

Those were my thoughts. Rest in peace, Grandma. I know I was a bratty kid when you saw me most growing up, but I’m glad I was able to be more caring for you as I matured. Sorry about the time I put chewing gum on your sweater then cut a hole in it trying to remove the gum.

Early Morning of May 19. Melbourne time.

Ran with my dad and my cousin Hitomi. Last day on the
morning of my flight back home, and I decided to keep the tradition of my the
morning jog I take with my dad whenever I see him on vacation. I think he
should be happy now that I exercise as frequently as I do now. Ever since I was
young he was always encouraging me to exercise more and keep a straight posture
when standing and sitting. He’s a business guy, and I think I finally picked up
some of his better habits. After our jog he tried teaching Hitomi and myself
tai chi. She thought it was much to slow and seemed to display just enough
interest to be respectful. I joked with her…. “guys and chicks dig tai chi,
right?”

Late Morning. Melbourne Airport.

My Australia trip for this year is now at unwinds to an end.
I think I have this down to a routine now to reflect after I travel. Laptop
open. Find a corner that’s relatively quiet. Beer at arm’s length. Kick up my
feet, iPod charging for the flight ahead.

Many little thoughts floated through my mind while I was on
my trip. Lots of them don’t really make it to a well-formed state, but this one
floats to the top…

I should practice flirting better.

Many a moment young ladies caught my eye and I would
exchange glances then smile, and some even circle back or linger almost waiting
for me strike up a conversation. But since I was in the company of family
members and a little occupied at those moments I didn’t follow through. So two
things about this subject I will take away. First, if you’re going to flirt…
damn it flirt! It’s rude to stop short, no? Second, people seem to have a very
difference sense of openness when they are on vacation. I give and get more
smiles and glances when I’m on travel than when I’m around home. Or maybe it’s
just because I get out more when I’m on vacation… don’t know.

Evening. Somewhere over the Pacific.

Here’s another thought that became more articulate with time…

Do sons seem to be shaped a lot like their dads, or is it
pure chance when you find similarities?

After I took on consulting I realized I saw many of the
qualities my dad had coming out of me. His confidence. His humor. His business
interpersonal skills. And like I said, I think I was picking up a lot of his
better habits. My brother seems to have divided up the share of my dad’s traits
between us. I took more of dad’s looks, laugh, business personality, and
approachability. My brother took more of his posture, family life personality, beliefs,
and culinary skills. Plus my brother and dad share very similar lines of work.

But I guess there are plenty of examples when it goes one
way or the other. One uncle of mine has two sons that own restaurants just like
he did. While another relative I know is aggressive and controlling and his son
appears very introverted and passive.

The Next Morning. Still May 19th. Los Angeles Airport.

iPod I love you. What was my life like before I met you?

Boring. While I waited in lines, or waited in open areas.

I also have the book I'm reading too. Half-Blood Prince is a very good read so far. I know, I know... I'm behind the times. Everyone else and their grandma has finished it, and I've already heard the big spoiler about it. Please don't rub it in. Hopefully that lack of surprise doesn't take away from it.

Apparently my mobile phone is close to out of batteries. Damn. At least I still have enough to text message out.

Middle of the Night. May 20th. Dulles Airport.

Over 26 hours traveling if I include layovers. 20 hours of which were spent inside a plane.

It’s friggin late and it’s friggin unbelievable. I totally forgot where I parked my car at the airport.

I got
out of the airport terminal after midnight. “Is 10 the last shuttle stop?” I
asked. “Yeah, what stop did you want?” asked the shuttle driver. “I could have sworn
I parked on something like stop 15.” I got off into the parking lot. I looked at sign and saw section
number B12. Maybe confused the section number and stop number. But it’s the end
of section 10 and I don’t see a B13... everything else is lower. Then spent another hour walking around
dragging my luggage in the dark, with bag slung over my shoulder, continually pressing
down on the key alarm button. I’ve flown from Dulles like twenty other times
and this never happened. I was frantic and flustered by the time I finally
heard my alarm sound. Stop 2? WTF? I look up at the section number. B15. WTF? Whichever moron engineer designed this piece of shit numbering system on this
parking lot needs to be dragged by the ankles across the length of this parking lot and
then kicked in the head.

Exhausted, I tossed my bags into trunk and drove up to pay
the parking fare. $120?  For the love of god I should have taken a taxi!

Middle of the Night. May 20th. Home.

Made a phone call out right after I got back. What, you were
in town while I was away and will leave tomorrow? How incredibly ironic.

I'm officially declaring Surfers Paradise Beach, Gold Coast, Australia as the best place for a morning barefoot jog. I fell in love with this place. A great vacation spot and the weather is so sunny and breezy even when it's nearing wintertime.

Also trying out video posts for the very first time, y'all.

(In Cantonese) My Chinese is "no good", I'll speak in English.

Thanks to everyone for coming out on this joyous occasion. I want to share with all of you a little story. On my long flight over I got a chance to catch a lot of in the latest in flight moves. In this one move "Dan In Real Life" there is a quote that really spoke to me. And here it is.

"Love is not a feeling. It's an ability".
(In Cantonese) Oiching mmhai yut goh gumgowk, hai yut goh haangdoeng.

Now what does that mean to you? To me it means that love is not reactionary. It's not a reflex like a chill in the air or when you get burned from a hot pot. It's something you do. It's something you give.

Many of you already know that I left for the United States when I was very young. For those of you who don't, you shoud be able to tell from my accent. And through all my years growing up and all the distance from my parents and siblings. It's no secret that my sister Vivien has unconditionally and continuously given love. So if love is an ability, my sister is truly gifted in that talent. And it just warms my heart to know that she now has Calvin as a husband to give her that love right back.

In life everyone should have that chance to freely exercise that ability. And I thank the heavens that the two of them have found each other to share that with.

To Vivien and Calvin. Cheers!

After I titled this entry I was immediately reminded of one of the coolest team names in the movie Dodgeball, "Skills that Kills".

Last weekend I was sharing a panel discussion with students from my old college. And someone asked a an interesting question about how your relationship with your parents changes after you graduate from college. To sum up my thoughts I mentioned there comes a point in time when you realize that your parent's aren't actually as mature as you remember as a little kid. And correspondingly you find that you are just as much of an adult as they are.

So my mom, her sister and one of my cousins came to visit me a for a few days. The plus side is that I get to enjoy home cooked food while they are here. The drawback is that it breaks up my daily routine and is a little disruptive to my single lifestyle. Parents will always be parents, and will still have there own opinions of what you should do to make your life better. So if you happen to cough a bit in the mornings they'll try to convince you that you have too much "hot chi", and changing my diet more of certain foods would help me. (Um... let me stop there. I think that's a very Asian-specific example.) But I usually start forming my own opinion. More or less that what she was saying was a bunch of Chinese malarkey. In the past I tried Chinese medicine for my colds, I ate certain things when I had the runs, I tried the route of balancing my hot and cold chi. What I found is that it just doesn't top good-old-fashion over the counter medicines. That's when I more or less stopped listening... or at least took their opinions with a bag of salt, and provided counterarguments. Honestly I think I rub my folks the wrong way when I do that, but I've yet to find a good way of both standing firm and not hurting their feelings a bit.

Ok. So I left for a short while yesterday morning and when I came back my mom told me that she helped me put out the flame in my fireplace. It took a second or two to digest the meaning of what she said....

Me: "You put out the flame to my fireplace?"
Mom: "Yes."
Me: "Did you know it was a gas fireplace?"
Mom: "Yes, I was looking for a switch to turn it off but couldn't find one."
Me: "So you blew out the flame?"
Mom: "We doused water on it."
Me: speechless. just a wtf look.
Mom: "We didn't think it was good to burn up all your wood."
Me: "That's not real wood in the fireplace. It's a material that doesn't burn, but is shaped to look like wood."

I go into my mode. The shit-has-gone-down-so-stay-cool-and-act-quickly-and-assertively mode.

Me: "We need to light this back up otherwise it's a serious hazard of a gas leak. When did it go out?"
Mom: "Just while you left."

I try to light it back up with a lighter and a noodle. Yes, a spaghetti noodle. Sometimes we all need to go a little Macgyver. But no luck. I called up the local gas company to see if there is a special procedure I need to take, or if they will send someone down. They said I need to call a repairman. That's one of the things I like about living in an apartment, the convenience of these types of things. A fellow can over promptly and took care of eveything. I relized that there was a bunch of circuitry underneath the fireplace and at first I was worried they were all fried when water was dumped on it. But it turned out okay.

So my intention with this story isn't to rag on my mom. I've had my share of accidents around the house when I really should have known better. But it points out that adults often make mistakes in matters when they just don't know enough about the world, or something when think they should know better but they acted otherwise. Life skills are important to develop, and you continue to improve on it throughou the rest of your life.

The drive started off feeling local. Like one of the many
trips to Boston I made before. Long stretches of 95 where there was not much
more than a long strip of highway in front of you. No buildings. There was a
time before on my trip to New York where I would be bolting closer to 80-90 mph
on this stretch. But… there were more cars during the day… and strangely
enough… I wasn’t in a hurry.

My ipod was in my bag, and my bag was in my trunk. So I
decided to make this drive without the pleasure of an hour or two of podcasts. Well
I suppose my CDs were neglected long enough, and are cheering at this rare
opportunity. Let see… we’ll begin with “Across the Universe”.  I’m in the mood for some “Hey Jude”.

It wasn’t long after I got off the freeway when the name
popped up on my GPS. Looked like it was still quite a distance away. But seeing
it on a computer screen is one thing… It’s when you see it in the real world
when it hit you. Then came a familiar street name Chester. And lo and behold, there
it was hanging on a sign for a restaurant. “Swarthmore Pizza.” How amazingly
offbeat this observation was. I imagined the moment I recognized that I was in
the campus of my alma mater, Swarthmore College… I imagined it to be more… nostalgic. Maybe the
sight of Mary Lyons with the familiar. Maybe the Springfield mall, the Rugby
field, Mertz. But no it was Pizza. Since when was there ever a Swathmore Pizza?
Where’s Appetito’s or Papa John’s.

By this time, I had already switched over to “Beginning to
Hope”. There is a build-up of lyrics to "Fidelity". “I hear in my mind, all of these
voices.” “I hear in my mind, all of these words.” “I hear in my mind, all of
this music.” That when the recognition hits. It’s the SEPTA stop. The
underpass. I know this place. “And it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart.” The
familiarity of a place really gets to you. It’s a longing or what you miss. I
come of the other side of the short underpass and see and enormous grey
building where the view of Mertz use to be. Dear God. That’s the newest Alice
Paul dorm I’m guessing. I heard it’s phenomenal. The nicest looking dorm… but
still, it’s contending with Mertz for lawn space. I spent my freshman and senior year in Mertz. I don’t know this place.

Since I still had a good hour to kill before our panel
discussion begins. I decide to grab lunch at Sharples.  Saturday a little past noon… hmm… why not
drop by the SWIL table? (Only later did I realize at a SAO/Deshi event that the club's name changed to Psi Phi). Yeah I knew there will probably be little to no way
that anyone in that room would know me or start to guess who I am. But it
should be more fun than awkward. I’ll be the 800 pound gorilla. I calmly crept
in while they were already in the middle of a discussion. Good. I found
a seat and promptly noticed the sign-in sheet. Damn. I have to find a clever
thing to say on the spot. Hmmm how about…

“I, here in my mind. All of these voices.”

I would totally have Tony Leung (Leung Chiu Wai) play myself
in a movie. He's my favorite Hong Kong actor as many of his character roles
have personalities traits that I myself I aspire to. Much like how life
imitating art, it's probably fitting to go the other direction and have art
imitate my life.

Well actually it's not like I idolize him and his roles, then tried to imitate him. I already had a direction, knew who I was and who I want to be. It's just that it seems to sync nicely. I feel I can relate to him, and perhaps he can relate well to me. You feel me?

Of the leading roles he's played my favorite is the undercover cop in "Mou
Gaan Dou" (the original film that "The Departed" was based on).
He has an attitude that is sophisticated and manly without being snooty.
Confident but not cocky. The other trait I think fits is how he's able to play
an offbeat romantic type in "Chunking Express". I was rolling on the
floor when he was talking to the giant plush Garfield. If he perform silly
scenes like that so well, he will be perfect to play those quirky moments of my
life. Oh and of course there's the calligrapher/swordsman he plays
in "Hero" which struck a chord with the philosophical and artsy
aspect of my life.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

Here's what I submitted today as a suggestion for facebook:

"I like how you give the ability for us to report a specific Ads on the AdBoard as offensive. But can you take it a step further and actually block that specific ad from showing up for me? I get really irritated everytime I see it, because the one I flagged is sexually suggestive. I end up having to work around it, by refreshing the window I'm on just to make it go away. So to me it's considerably disruptive to my user experience on facebook. Thanks."