Clef and Yukino just left not long ago. It was wonderful to have them over at my new apartment.

Yesterday and today were some good, simple times we shared together. We loaded a moving truck with all of Yukino's boxes and furniture from her New York apartment yesterday, and drove it down here to Maryland. Lot's of heavy moving, an incredibly lengthy drive, as well as some intense moments. All of which are quite memorable moments. And now. It's all done.

sigh...

A mixture of relief from a heapload of work and sadness from missing people important to you. I'm also excited about starting my new job. Let's see how it turns out. I think it will be great.

we nice guys don't often ask for much. and not often is the case that we get upset. so when and why does it happen?

can't say for sure, but here is a recent case at this moment.

nice guys don't ask for niceness or happiness in return. the only
demand we have on people is that they be fair to each other and to us.
since the idea of fairness can vary among people, i think the it's only
right to use a scale that is relative to the person. the best measure
i've found is the golden rule:

do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

which means...

help others if you want others to help you. (this is a relatively simple one most people understand)

for example, choose one or the other...

1. don't bring a bad mood or "quick-to-ignore" tone even in a stressful
environment, if you don't want to accept people's bad moods or
"quick-to-ignore" tone when they are in a stressful environment.

2. accept that people may say things curtly or be "quick-to-ignore" if you are going to do the same things.

also on a side note, not specifically derived from the golden rule, but important nonetheless. respect people's opinions.

it's extremely condescending when you suggest that people do things a
certain way you prefer, but pertaining to their decisions. just because
it's not the way you do it yourself, does not make it irrational.
rationality is not completely innate within us. i'm reminded of the
example given on philosophytalk.org.
take native americans versus "the white man" americans. most modern
americans believe that we should own land to have a fuller life, while
native americans believe that the land breeds the people and human
beings do not have any right to own land. to the average modern
american it's very rational to buy up property, but  to
traditional native americans it's completely irrational.

oh well. this was just a short rant for me to let off some steam.

here's hoping that you all remember that your differences are
important, and you should learn to respect them. be good to each
other. 

 I'm better now.

As I sort of suspected. The real reasons behind things stem from something not openly stated earlier. Misunderstanding upon misunderstanding stack. And ill feeling began to arise. I must remind myself that my second-guessing and suspicions about people can often be wrong or mislead. And also in many cases, the real reason behind things can be traced to a mistake on my part as well as the actions of the other.

So this is to remind myself in future cases. That I can be very wrong when it comes to guessing people's feelings and people's reasons for actions. So that I know better next time not to judge too harshly people's actions. I seem to recall that I've made such a mental note before... I'll add it in writing this time to be sure.

again? no, it can't be the same. why i'm that way puzzles me sometimes.

also i wonder if what i say on my journal entries have caused more misunderstanding or have words i don't mean, as i've made that mistake last time.

i hate it. my first day at my apartment not only have i lost sleep, but what's most important to me is in troubled waters.

 it hurts so bad...

Woo hoo!
I'm moving back to East Coast!

Okay, so I have one month to get a heapload of tasks done.
1. Find a place to stay while I search for apartments
2. Find a nice apartment.
3. Wrap up all items with my new job.
4. Wrap up all items with my old job.
5. Buy plane tickets and schedule a timeline.
6. Tie up loose ends in CA. Sell my furniture. Pack items. Move out in two weeks.
7. Preparation to move in to my new place. Moving my girlfriend's boxes.
8. Say good bye to everyone in the Bay Area.

How long does it take for someone who you seldom find good points in to
change from their one of your highest point of regard for them to
diminish back down to mostly discontent? Well it to my pops a full one
day. Just when I thought I could savor the moment for a while longer. He
would had kept most of his brownie points if he didn’t insist on seeing me
tonight. Oh lord that was almost two hours of mostly him ranting. Very
different compared to the conversation we had yesterday, where at least
there was dialogue and he was actually interested in my opinion. Gash!
I thought to myself. Has the world gone topsy-turvy? Well it’s back
right side up now… right side up your ass. Argh!

Sigh. He’s explained much of what’s happened to him in the past, and to
me his story is tragic. I’m reminded of how he always intends well. But
his stubbornness, and tendency to do things that seem insane to many
other loved ones around him… pushes him into a spiraling chasm of
delusion, conflict, and fury. He admitted it as he was walked out the
door of my apartment tonight. He's more senile with age.

so i believe. that fate is not absolute.

i logged onto friendster recently and noticed that horoscopes pop up
glaringly on the title profile page. granted it was a positive
forecast. granted the ability of a joint horoscope with friends is
nifty. but i had to post a complaint to friendster about this new
feature, because i found it annoying for a horoscope to be
forced upon me every time i logged in.

soon i found out how to turn that friendster feature off... but i was
still pissed that it wasn't easy to find. by the way if you
wanted to know how, go to the "account settings" and click on "no" for
horoscopes.

i dislike fortunetelling in general since it seems just like educated
guessing disguised as mysticism. you begin with demographics you
know... (age, race, gender)... then add some data points... (attitude,
clothing, demeanor, type of inquiry)... then come up with some
guesswork based on the information before you. now with online data
mining you can get a lot more metrics. such as # of friends, or
frequency of logons, log time of chats, # of updates to pictures, # of
messages to a specific user, etc. it's so simple to suggest fortunes
based on the tracking of your activities. for example i've noticed that
if your friend has say... less than ten friends, your joint horoscope
will suggest that one of you should be more "social". implying that
they should get more friends

 i can totally see that being extended to perhaps a "cupid"
protocol. for example, if the data mining suggests that two single (and
compatible) users have recently been chatting up with each other a lot
and clicking to learn much more info about the other... the system can
send a horoscope to the both of them suggested they hook up. it can be
scary to some degree. because we could be letting someone else control
the decisions we make in life. that's why i dislike horoscopes in
general. i feel people who believe in them are letting themselves be
swept by an external force, rather than thinking for themselves.

fate? can't say i fully believe in it. i believe to some degree in
destiny. but i also believe in free will. and in my mind fate
contradicts free will. how i define fate is that it is a predetermined
and unchangeable outcome of events. and to me destiny is defined as an
intended outcome in life. for example being a king can be a man's
destiny... even though other turn of events had him choosing to live
his life as a farmer.

we are the keepers of our own destiny. there are great things that we
all have the potential for. we are born with those gifts, those paths
to greatness. a reliance on anything that "tells you the future" is
just an excuse to escape from the responsibility of the decisions we
make. if we let go we will let ourselves be swept away by the current.

i do not fear my decisions for that is where my freedom lies. i do not
fear mistakes for that is where my humanity lies. i do not fear for my
destiny is there for me to pursue.

jfk airport... just a few minutes ago.

jimmy: "excuse me, can you tell me where gate 8B?"
flight attendant: "which gate?"
jimmy: "gate 8B." (hands her the boarding pass.)
flight attendant: "that's your seat number, sweetie. your gate number is 4."
jimmy: (looks at boarding pass.)
jimmy: oh. thanks.

i'm flying back to oakland from new york. yukino and i just finished a
short trip to maryland. we're taking a final look at the university of
maryland at college park before she makes a decision on which graduate
school she wants to pursue her phd in. university of wisconson is the
other choice. each place has its advantages i'm excited about both
schools.

in the middle of the night, and i'm working on my taxes. tired. my back
is aching from hunching over and typing/sorting/filing all of tonight,
last night, and some of the night before.

i must say that turbo tax online rocks. i can't imagine doing everything in paperwork.

i also have to commend the online stock brokerages for providing handy
little downloadable csv/excel files. did i mention how painful it is
accounting for taxes on stocks you sell? i'm glad all the excel
experience at work is actually paying off for my own personal affairs
too.

i should sleep now. still a workday tomorrow.

it's the middle of the night and i have stacks of papers everywhere.
i'm pretty impressed at how much more organized i am nowadays. i use to
be a real pack rat and clutter everything. it was bad because i had
this compulsiveness that got to me where i had to organize things in
order to set my mind at ease. one big step to achieve was the
willingness to throw things away.

so it began with me getting my taxes in order and i was looking for
last year's return. i was utterly stunned at how i managed to turn my
whole apartment inside out before i was able to find it. what's more it
irritated me that even though i was so organized now which so much of
my items, i was still not able to find the one important thing i needed
until after hours of searching. i guess i have to be uber-organized.

why is it that when you are searching for something, it always the last
place you look where you find it? of course it is. after all... once
you find it... are you going to keep looking?

sorry. that was a bad joke i heard from a friend at camp long ago.

i now have added a new philosophy to how i place things around your
home. i recall on one of these "make over your house" reality tv shows
where they stressed that a workspace should be work only and the
bedroom should be a bedroom only. don't mix things in a room that should belong elsewhere. it's a simple method to follow and i
strongly believe in it.

many feng shui techniques make sense to me because i see how they
enhance the functionality of your living space as well as enrich your
overall mentality. ideas like good lighting, movement of air,
positioning of windows, doors, etc. may seem like trivial things at
first. but often these small things are taken for granted, and i think
they do a whole lot of good. that's one area where i agree with the old
chinese tradition.